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(Thanks to K&J Johnson's for the funny sh*t)

    The  Postal Services created a stamp with a picture  of President Obama on it. The Postal Service noticed that the stamp was not sticking to  envelopes. This enraged the President, who  demanded a full investigation. After a month of  testing and $1.73 million in congressional  spending, a special Presidential commission  presented the following findings: * The  stamp is in perfect order * There  is nothing wrong with the glue * People are spitting on the wrong side     

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    President Obama was visiting a primary school and he visited one of the classes. They were in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings. The teacher asked the president if he would like to lead the discussion on the word 'tragedy'. So our illustrious president asked the class for an example of a 'tragedy'. One little boy stood up and offered: 'If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a tractor runs over him and kills him, that would be a tragedy?' 'No,' said Obama, 'that would be an accident.' A little girl raised her hand: 'If a school bus carrying 50 children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy.' 'I'm afraid not,' explained Obama. 'That's what we would call a great loss.' The room went silent. No other children volunteered. Obama searched the room. 'Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?' Finally, at the back of the room, Little Johnny raised his hand. In a quiet voice he said: 'If the plane carrying you and Mrs. Obama was struck by a 'friendly fire' missile and blown to smithereens, that would be a tragedy.' 'Fantastic!' exclaimed Obama. 'That's right. And can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?'. 'Well,' says Johnny, 'it has to be a tragedy, because it certainly wouldn't  be a great loss...and it probably wouldn't be an accident either.'

       A man and a woman who had never met before, but who were both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a trans-continental train. Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper berth and she in the lower. At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying..."Ma'am, I’m sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket?  I'm awfully cold." "I have a better idea," she replied "Just for tonight...let's pretend that we're married." "Wow!  That's a great idea!” he exclaimed. "Good," she replied.  "Get your own fucking blanket." After a moment of silence ...he farted. The End

          Three Labradors are sitting in the waiting room at the vet's when they strike up a conversation. The Black Lab turns to the chocolate Lab and says, "So why are you here?" The Chocolate Lab replies, "I'm a pisser.  I piss on everything....the sofa, the curtains, the cat, the kids.  But the final straw was last night when I pissed in the middle of my owner's bed." The Black Lab says, "So what is the vet going to do?" "Gonna cut my nuts off," comes the reply from the chocolate Lab. "They reckon it'll calm me down." The Black Lab then turns to the yellow Lab and asks, "Why are you here?" The yellow Lab says, "I'm a digger. I dig under fences, dig up flowers and shrubs. I dig just for the hell of it.  When I'm inside, I dig up the carpets.  But I went over the line last night when I dug a great big hole in my owners couch." "So what are they going to do to you?" the black Lab inquires. "Looks like I'm losing my nuts too, the dejected yellow Lab says. The Yellow Lab then turns to the black Lab and asks, "Why are you here?" "I'm a humper," the black Lab says. "I'll hump anything. I'll hump the cat, a pillow, the table, whatever.  I have to hump everything I see. Yesterday, my owner had just got out of the shower and was bending down to dry her toes. I just couldn't help myself.  I hopped on her back and started hammering away." The yellow and chocolate Labs exchange a sad glance and says, "So, nuts off for you too, huh?" The black Lab says ..."No, I'm here to get my nails clipped."

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