Apparently Japansese scientists have invented a camera with a shutter speed so quick it can actually
take an in focus picture of a woman with her mouth shut.
A man, whose level of drunkenness was bordering on the absurd, stood up to leave a bar and
fell flat on his face. "Maybe all I need is some fresh air," thought the man as he crawled outside.
He tried to stand up again, but fell face first into the mud. "Screw it," he thought. "I'll just crawl home." The next morning, his wife found him on the doorstep asleep. "You went out drinking last night, didn't you?"
she said. "Uh, yes," he said sheepishly. "How did you know?" "You left your wheelchair at the bar again."
A female officer arrests a drunk. She warns him, "You
have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be held against you." The drunk replies, "Boobs."
A beautiful young blond woman boards a plane to LA with a ticket for the coach section. She looks at the seats in coach and
then looks ahead to the first class seats. Seeing that the first class seats appear to be much larger and more comfortable, she moves forward to the last empty one.
The flight attendant checks her ticket and tells the woman that her seat is in coach. The blond replies, "I'm young, blond and beautiful, and I'm going to sit here all the way to LA." Flustered, the
flight attendant goes to the cockpit and informs the captain of the blond problem. The captain goes back and tells the woman
that her assigned seat is in coach. Again, the blond replies, "I'm young, blond and beautiful, and I'm going to sit here all the way to LA." The captain
doesn't want to cause a commotion, and so returns to the cockpit to discuss the blond with the co-pilot. The co-pilot says
that he has a blond girlfriend, and that he can take care of the problem. He then goes back and briefly whispers something
into the blonde's ear. She immediately gets up, says, "Thank you so much," hugs the co-pilot, and rushes back to
her seat in the coach section. The pilot and flight attendant, who were watching with rapt attention, together ask the co-pilot what he had said to the woman. He
replies, "I just told her that the first class section isn't going to LA."
Two old drunks were chatting in a bar. The first one says, "Ya know, when I was 30 and got a hard-on, I couldn't bend
it with either of my hands. By the time I was 40, I could bend it about 10 degrees if I tried really hard. By the time I was
50, I could bend it about 20 degrees, no problem. I'm gonna be 60 next week, and now I can almost bend it in half with just one hand." "So," says the second drunk, "what's your point?" "Well," says the first, "I'm
just wondering how much stronger I'm gonna get!"
An elderly couple had been dating
for some time. Finally, they decided it was time for marriage. Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long
conversation regarding how their marriage might work. They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on. Finally the
old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship. "How do you feel about sex?" he asked, rather trustingly. "Well," she says, responding carefully, "I'd have to say I would like
it infrequently." The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment. Then, looking over his glasses, he looked her in the eye
casually asking, "Was that one word or two?"
A father, who worked away from home all week, always made a special effort with his family
on the weekends. Every Sunday morning he would take his 7-year old daughter out for a drive in the car for some bonding time.
One particular Sunday however, he had a bad cold and he really didn't feel like being up at all. Luckily, his wife came to
the rescue and said that she would take their daughter out. When they returned, the little girl anxiously ran upstairs to
see her father. "Well," the father asked, "did you enjoy your ride with mommy?" "Oh yes, Daddy"
the girl replied, "and do you know what? We didn't see a single dumb bastard or lousy shit head!"
