|
Tuesday, March 16, 2010
A lady walks into Tiffany's. She looks around, spots a beautiful diamond bracelet and walks over to inspect
it. As she bends over to look more closely, she unexpectedly farts. Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see
if anyone noticed her little woops and prays that a sales person was not anywhere near. As she turns around, her worst nightmare
materializes in the form of a salesman standing right behind her. Good looking as well. Cool as a cucumber, he displays all of the qualities one would expect of a professional in a store like Tiffany's. He politely greets
the lady with, 'Good day, Madam. How may we help you today?' Blushing & uncomfortable, but still hoping that the salesman
somehow missed her little 'incident', she asks, 'Sir, what is the price of this lovely bracelet?' He answers, "Madam.
if you farted just looking at it - you're going to shit when I tell you the price. From Clifford the BRD
Hello?' .... 'Hi honey, this is Daddy, is Mommy near the phone?' 'No Daddy, she's upstairs
in the bedroom with Uncle Paul.' After a brief pause, Daddy says, 'But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Paul.' 'Oh yes I do,
and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy right now' ..... Brief Pause 'Uh, okay then, ...this is what I want you to do. Put
the phone down on the table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door, and shout to Mommy that Daddy's car just pulled
into the driveway.' 'Okay Daddy, just a minute' A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the phone. 'I did
it, Daddy' 'And what happened honey?' he asked 'Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran
around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser and now she isn't moving at all!' 'Oh
my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul?' 'He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too. He was all scared and he jumped
out of the back window and into the swimming pool. But I guess he didn't know that you took out the water last week to clean it. He hit the bottom
of the pool and I think he's dead.' ....Long Pause....Then Daddy says: 'Swimming pool?? ... Is this 486-5731??
There was a virgin that was going out on a date for the first time and she told her grandmother
about it. Her grandmother says, "Sit here and let me tell you about those young boys. "He is going to try to kiss
you; you are going to like that, but don't let him do that." She continued, "He is going to try to feel your breast;
you are going to like that, but don't let him do that. He is going to try to put his hand between your legs; you are going
to like that, but don't let him do that. Then the grandmother said, "But, most importantly, he is going to try to get
on top of you and have his way with you. You are going to like that, but don't let him do that. It will disgrace the family."
With that bit of advice in mind, the granddaughter went on her date and could not wait to tell her grandmother about it.
The next day she told her grandmother that her date went just as the old lady said. She said, "Grandmother, I didn't
let him disgrace the family. When he tried, I turned him over, got on top of him and disgraced his family."
Monday, March 15, 2010
WTF
link
Sunday, March 14, 2010
A father, who worked away from home all week, always made a special effort with his family on the weekends. Every Sunday morning he would take his 7-year old daughter out for a drive in the
car for some bonding time. One particular Sunday however, he had a bad cold and he really didn't feel like being up at all.
Luckily, his wife came to the rescue and said that she would take their daughter out. When they returned, the little girl anxiously
ran upstairs to see her father. "Well," the father asked, "did you enjoy your ride with mommy?" "Oh yes, Daddy" the girl replied,
"and do you know what? We didn't see a single dumb bastard or lousy shit head!"
Our story begins at the Olympics, specifically the wrestling event. It is narrowed down to the Russian or the American for the gold medal. Before the final
match, the American wrestler's trainer came to him and said, "Now don't forget all the research we've done on this Russian. He's never lost a match because of this "pretzel" hold he has. Whatever you do, don't let him get you in this hold! If he does, you're finished!" The wrestler nodded in
agreement. Now, to the match: The American and the Russian circled each other several times looking for an opening. All of
a sudden the Russian lunged forward, grabbing the American and wrapping him up in the dreaded pretzel hold! A sigh of disappointment went up from the crowd, and the trainer buried his face in his hands
for he knew all was lost. He couldn't watch the ending. Suddenly there was a horrible scream, and a resounding cheer from
the crowd. The trainer raised his eye just in time to see the Russian flying up in the air. The Russian's back hit the mat
with a thud, and the American weakly collapsed on top of him, getting the pin and winning the match. The trainer was astounded!
When he finally got the American wrestler alone, he asks, "How did you ever get out of that hold? No one has ever done
it before!" The wrestler answered, "Well, I was ready to give up when he got me in that hold, but at the last moment,
I opened my eyes and saw this pair of balls right in front of my face. I thought I had nothing to lose, so with my last ounce of strength I stretched out my neck and bit those babies just as hard
as I could. You'd be amazed how strong you get when you bite your own balls!"
Teacher: 'Do you know the importance of a period?' Kid: 'Yeah, once
my sister said she has missed one, my mom fainted, dad got a heart attack & my uncle ran away.
A man was in a terrible accident, and his 'manhood' was mangled and torn from his body.
His doctor assured him that modern medicine could give him back his manhood, but that his insurance
wouldn't cover the surgery since it was considered cosmetic. The doctor said the cost would be $3,500 for 'small, $6,500 for 'medium, and $14,000 for 'large.' The man was sure he would
want a medium or large, but the doctor urged him To talk it over with his wife before he made any decision. The man called
his wife on the phone and explained their options. The doctor came back into the room, and found the man looking dejected.
'Well, what have the two of you decided?' asked the doctor. 'She'd rather remodel the kitchen.'
A young man goes into the Job Centre in Jacksonville, Florida , and sees a card
advertising for a Gynecologist's Assistant. Interested he goes to learn more - Can you give me some more details about this?"
he asks the guy behind the desk. The Job Centre man sorts through his files & replies, "Oh yes here it is: The job
entails you getting the lady patients ready for the gynecologist. You have to help them out of their underwear, lie them down and carefully wash their genital regions. You then apply shaving
foam and gently shave off all their pubic hair then rub in soothing oils so that they're ready for the gynecologist's examination. There's an annual salary of $45,000, but you're going to have to go to Oxford, Mississippi. That's about 620
miles from here." "Oh why, is that where the job is?" "No sir - that's where the end of the
line is!'
Obama administration Obama administration decides to bypass bi-partisan conference committe for Health Care Negotiations. Republicans and the public again left out of the picture so that Democrats can once again hold secret negotiations. What
happened to promises of Healthcare negotiations broadcast on C-SPAN thats was promised by Obama on at least 8 seperate occasions?
|
