A guy comes home from work on day and sees his wife standing on the curb with a suitcase. Of course he asks
her what's going on, where is she going. "I'm leaving you for good, you're disgusting, what you do is horrible, you're
ahhh, ah...a pedophile!" The husband replies "Wow, pedophile...that's a pretty big word for a 9-year old."
A guy comes home from work one day to find his wife standing on the curb with her suitcase.
He asks her where she's going and she replies: "I just found out that in Las Vegas what I give you for free, I can get
$400 a night for." Upon hearing this the husband runs upstairs, packs a suitcase, and runs back out to the curb. His
wife asks him what he's doing, and he replies: "I want to see how you plan to live on $800 a year."
A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely burned.
The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny. So the husband offered
to donate some of his own skin. However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from
his buttocks. After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful
than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty! One day, she was alone
with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice. She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for
everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you." "My darling," he replied, "think nothing
of it. I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek."
A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw a very beautiful woman boarding the
plane. He soon realized she was heading straight towards his seat. Lo and behold, she took the seat right beside his. Eager
to strike up a conversation, he blurted out, "Business trip or vacation?" She turned, smiled and said, "Business.
I'm going to the Annual Nymphomaniac Convention in Chicago" He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had
ever seen sitting next to him and she was going to a meeting for nymphomaniacs. Struggling to maintain his composure, he
calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?" "Lecturer," she responded. "I use
my experience to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality." "Really!" he said, "what myths are
those?" "Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that American men are the most well-endowed when,
in fact, it's the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that French men
are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Jewish descent. We have, however, found that the best potential lover
in all categories is theSouthern redneck." Suddenly, the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm
sorry,"she said, "I shouldn't really be discussing this with you. I don't even know your name." "Tonto,"
the man said, "Tonto Goldstein. But my friends call me Bubba
Two priests
are off to the showers late one night. They got undressed and stepped into the showers before they realized there was no
soap. Father John says he has soap in his room and goes to get it, not bothering to dress. He grabs two bars of soap in
his hands and heads back to the showers. He is halfway down the hall when he sees three nuns heading his way. Having no
place to hide, he stands against the wall and freezes like he's a statue. The nuns stop and comment on how lifelike he
looks. The first nun suddenly reaches out and pulls his manhood. Startled, he drops a bar of soap. "Oh look,"
says the first nun..."It's a soap dispenser." To test her theory, the second nun also pulls his tool ... and
sure enough he drops the other bar of soap. The third nun decides to have a go. She pulls once, then twice, and three
times, but nothing happens. So she tries once more and, with delight, she yells.... "Hand lotion!"
A man walks up to the clerk at the Unemployment Office and says, "You know, I really HATE
not working. I'd really rather have a job than to be collecting this unemployment check". The clerk responds, "Well,
you're in luck! We just got word of a job opening for a bodyguard and driver for this billionaire's daughter. She's a
model, and a bit of a nymphomaniac, so you'll have to satisfy her every need before you collect your weekly check of five
thousand dollars." "You're BS'n me!!!" the unemployed man shouts. The clerk responds, "yeah, but you
started it"
Jeff Chambers did like he always does, kissing his wife,
crawling into bed and falling asleep. Suddenly, he woke to find an elderly man standing in front of his bed. "What
the hell are you doing in my bedroom and who are you?" he demanded. "This is not your bedroom," the man replied,
"I am Saint Peter, and you are in heaven." "WHAT? Are you saying I'm dead? I don't want to die, I'm too young",
cried Jeff. "If I'm dead, I want you to send me back!" "It's not that easy", said Saint Peter, "you
can only return as a dog or a hen. Jeff considered this, and figured being a dog could be too tiring, but a hen probably
has a relaxed life. Running around with a rooster can't be that bad. "I want to return as a hen", Jeff replied.
The next second, he found himself in a chicken run, very nicely feathered. But man, now "he" felt like the rear
end was gonna blow. A nearby hen said, "Hey, you must be the new hen on the farm. How is it going?" "Well,
it's okay I guess, but it feels like my rear end is gonna blow up." "That's only ovulation. Have you never laid
an egg before?" "No, how do I do that?" Jeff asked. "Cluck twice, and then you push all you can."
Jeff clucked twice, pushed and then 'plop', an egg was on the ground. "Wow" Jeff said, "that felt really good!"
So he clucked again and squeezed. And you better believe that there was yet another egg on the ground. The third time
he clucked, he heard his wife shout: "Jeff, for God's sake wake up. You're sh***ing all over the bed!"
