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Friday, April 16, 2010
CSI
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Thursday, April 15, 2010
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Jesus and the Democrat
A Republican in a wheelchair entered a restaurant one afternoon and asked the waitress for a cup of coffee. The Republican
looked across the restaurant and asked, 'Is that Jesus sitting over there?' The waitress nodded 'yes,' so the Republican
requested that she give Jesus a cup of coffee, on him. The next patron to come in was a Libertarian with a hunched back.
He shuffled over to a booth, painfully sat down, and asked the waitress for a cup of hot tea. He also glanced across the
restaurant and asked, 'Is that Jesus over there?' The waitress nodded, so the Libertarian asked her to give Jesus a cup
of hot tea, 'My treat.'The third patron to come into the restaurant was a Democrat on crutches. He hobbled over to a booth,
sat down and hollered, 'Hey there, honey! How's about gettin' me a cold glass of Miller Light?' He, too, looked across
the restaurant and asked, 'Is that God's boy over there?' The waitress once more nodded, so the Democrat directed her to
give Jesus a cold glass of beer. 'On my bill,' he said. As Jesus got up to leave, he passed by the Republican, touched him
and said, 'For your kindness, you are healed.' The Republican felt the strength come back into his legs, got up, and danced
a jig out the door. Jesus also passed by the Libertarian, touched him and said, 'For your kindness, you are healed.' The
Libertarian felt his back straightening up, and he raised his hands, praised the Lord and did a series of back flips out
the door. Then Jesus walked towards the Democrat. The Democrat jumped up and yelled, 'Don't touch me... I'm collecting disability.'
Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to
horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs, rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Johnny asked, "Dad, why
are you doing that?" His father replied, "Because I'm buying horses. I have to make sure that they are healthy
and in good shape before I buy."Johnny looked worried, "Then I think we'd better hurry home right away." "Why?"
said his father. "Because the insurance man stopped by yesterday, I think he wants to buy Mom.
While having drinks a man and a woman got into an argument about who enjoyed sex more. The
man said, "Men obviously enjoy sex more than women. Why do you think we're so obsessed with getting laid?" "That
doesn't prove anything," the woman countered. "Think about this: when your ear itches and you put your finger in
it and wiggle it around, then pull it out, which feels better-your ear or your finger?
A man who just died is delivered to the mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black
suit. The mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed. He points out that the man does look good
in the black suit he is already wearing. The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in
blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the mortician a blank check and says, "I don't care what it
costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing." The woman returns the next day for the wake. To
her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly.
She says to the mortician, "Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied. You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful.
How much did you spend?" To her astonishment, the mortician presents her with the blank check. "There's no charge,"
he says. "No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!" she says. "Honestly,
ma'am," the mortician says, "it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought
in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going
to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice. So I just switched
the heads."
Two friends meet in the office of one of them, a notorious techno-geek. "Hey, bud, how are ya?" "I'm good. Congratulations, that new secretary of yours is beautiful!" "Well, I'm glad you like her. Believe it or not, she's a robot! "No way, how could that be?" "Way!
She's the latest model from Japan. Lemme tell you how she works. If you squeeze her left tit, she takes dictation. If you
squeeze her right tit, she types a letter. And that's not all, she can have sex, too!" "Holy shit! You're
kidding, right?" "No, she's something, huh? Tell you what, you can even borrow her" So, his friend
takes her into the restroom and is in there with her for a while. Suddenly, he hears him screaming "Eeeeyaaaaa! Heeelp"
Ooooooh! Aaaaaaah! Eeeeeeeeeeeaaargghhhh!" The guy says, "Shit! I forgot to tell him her ass is a pencil
sharpener!"
the teacher says, 'Today we are going to
learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?' Little Johnny waves his hand,
'Me, Miss Rogers, me, me!' Miss Rogers:'All right, little Johnny, what is your multi-syllable word?' Little Johnny says,
'Mas-tur-bate.' Miss Rogers smiles and says, 'Wow, little Johnny, that's a mouthful.' Little Johnny says, 'No, Miss Rogers,
you're thinking of a blowjob".
Sunday, April 11, 2010
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The Lone Ranger and Tonto had been riding down the trail when they decided to take a rest. Before they
made camp, Tonto placed his ear to the ground and listened. After a few minutes, Tonto got up off the ground and remarked
"Buffalo come.” ”How do you know that, is that some trick handed down from generation to generation?"
asked the Lone Ranger. Tonto replied "Ear sticky."
Ole married
an attractive woman, Lena, half his age. After several months, Lena complained that she had never climaxed during sex; and
according to her Grandma, all Norwegian farm women are entitled to a climax once in a while. To resolve the problem, they
went to see the large-animal Vet since there was no trustworthy doctor anywhere in Clearwater County, ID. The Vet didn't
have a clue, but he did recall how, during the hot summer, his Mother and Dad, Olga and Sven, would fan a cow that was having
any difficulty birthing a calf to cool her down and make her struggles easier. The Vet told them to hire a strong, virile,
young man to wave a towel over them while they were having sex. This, the Vet said, would cause the young wife to climax.
So the couple hired a young man from the big city of Lewiston named Lars to wave a towel over them as the Vet suggested.
After many efforts, and still no climax, they went back to the Vet. The Vet said for Lena to change partners and let Lars
have sex with her while Ole waved the towel. They tried it that night and Lena went into wild, screaming, ear-splitting
climaxes, one after the other. When it was over, Ole smugly looked down at Lars and said, "Ya see, city slicker, now
THAT's how ya wave a towel!"
The difference between "guts"
and "balls"...
Guts - is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being assaulted by your wife
with a broom, and having the guts to ask: "Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?"
Balls -
is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your
wife on the rump and saying to her, "You're next."
An old married couple no sooner hit the pillows when the old man passes gas and says, "Seven Points." His wife
rolls over and says, "What in the world was that?" The old man replied, "It's fart football." A few minutes
later his wife lets one go and says "Touchdown, tie score." After about five minutes the old man lets another one
go and says, "Aha. I'm ahead 14 to 7." Not to be outdone the wife rips out another one and says, "Touchdown,
tie score." Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says, "Field goal, I lead 17 to 14."
Now the pressure is on the old man. He refuses to get beat by a woman, so he strains real hard. Since defeat is totally unacceptable,
he gives it everything he's got, and accidentally poops in the bed. The wife says, "What the hell was that?" The
old man says, "Half time, switch sides."
This young boy goes
into a public restroom. Standing there taking a piss a Marine officer walks in. The young boy say "Wow are you a real
Marine?" The Marine officer replies "Why yes, would you like to try on my hat?" The young boy excitedly
takes the hat and tries it on. While the young boy is admirining himself in the mirror a Navy officer walks in. The young
boy ask "Wow are you really in the Navy" The Navy officer says "Why! You wanna suck my penis?" The
young boy replies "No thanks I'm not a real Marine I'm just trying on the hat"
"Thanks CSM Lewis"
Towards the end of the golf course, Dave hit his ball into the
woods and found it in a patch of pretty yellow buttercups. Trying to get his ball back in play, he ended
up thrashing just about every buttercup in the patch. All of a sudden, in a flash and puff of smoke, a little old
woman appeared. She said, "I'm Mother Nature. Do you know how long it took me to make those buttercups? Just for doing
what you have done, you won't have any butter for your popcorn for the rest of your life. Better still, you won't
have any butter for your toast for the rest of your life. As a matter of fact, you'll never have any butter for anything
the rest of your life!" Then POOF!.....she was gone! After Dave recovered from the shock, he hollered for his
friend, "Fred, where are you?" Fred yells back "I'm over here in the pussywillows." Dave shouts back,
"Don't swing, Fred! For the love of God, don't swing!"
This guy walks into a bar in Alabama and orders a white wine. Everybody sitting around the bar looks up, surprised, and the
bartender looks around and says: "You ain't from around here, are ya... where ya from, boy?" The guy says, "I'm
from Idaho." The bartender asks, "What th' hell you do in Idaho?" The guy responds, "I'm a taxidermist."
The bartender asks, "A taxidermist... now just what th' hell is a taxidermist?" The guy says, "I mount animals."
The bartender grins and shouts out to the whole bar, "It's OK boys, he's one of us!"
Q. How do you circumcise a hillbilly?
A. Kick his sister in the jaw.
Doctor, "What seems to be the problem?" Patient, "Doc, I've got the farts. I
mean I fart all the time," The Doctor nods, "Hmm." Patient, "My farts do not stink and you can't hear
them. It's just that I fart all the time. Look, we've been talking here for about 10 minutes and I've farted five times.
You didn't hear them and you don't smell them, do you?" "Hmm," says the Doctor, He picks up his pad and writes
out a prescription. The patient is thrilled "Great doc. This prescription, will it really clear up my farts?" "No,"
sighs the Doctor, "The prescription is to clear your sinuses. Next week I want you back here for a hearing test."
One day, during a lesson on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands
from those who could use the word "beautiful" in the same sentence twice. First, she called on little Suzie, who
responded with, "My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it." "Very
good, Suzie," replied the teacher. She then called on little Michael. "My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and
it turned out beautifully," he said. "Excellent, Michael!" Then, the teacher called on Little Johnny. "Last
night, at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said, 'Beautiful, ...just f..ing beautiful!
A boy and his date were parked on a back road some distance from town, doing what
boys and girls do on back roads some distance from town. Things were getting hot and heavy when the girl stopped the boy.
"I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I'm actually a hooker and I charge $20 for sex," she said. The
boy just looked at her for a couple of seconds, but then reluctantly paid her, and they did their thing. After the cigarette,
the boy just sat in the driver's seat looking out the window. "Why aren't we going anywhere?" asked the girl.
"Well, I should have mentioned this before, but I'm actually a taxi driver, and the fare back to town is $25."
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